We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
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*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.