We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
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will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.