We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
I have a black belt in leather
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there