Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Foot f**ish should just be called feetish

Using gorilla glue on my next relationship

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

i hate you platonically

I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

PLEASE READ

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car