Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

[in deep space]

Everyone: [in hypersleep]

Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

So I neutered my car yesterday

“You, what?”

Neutered my car

“…”

It’s another word for fixed

“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”

😂