We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
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You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Good morning
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom