Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.