Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

RT if you know someone like this!!!

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

as is their right

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.

CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?

ME: When I look up.

You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.