We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
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Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
Wednesday
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”