We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me recordaron éste meme
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Jail
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
