We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
this has done me in for some reason
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
cats when you pet them too long:
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
