Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.

Now, I don’t even walk into the right room

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

I think this should do it.

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

Attacked by a mop.

(2022)

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons