Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.

So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Something Saturday.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.