Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.