Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

ouch

My husband has blocked the sink!!!!

.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?