Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”

Going to work bro it’s Wednesday

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

#StillHurts

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.