Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried