We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Arrest that man!
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
#dnd #ttrpg
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic