We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
You Might Also Like
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.