We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
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Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
me and my fake scenarios
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.