we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
The real reason evolution started..😂
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code