we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
You Might Also Like
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Previously On Persistence 😎
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.