Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-

Me: I have a grandma.

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

bad news gang

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

Him: I love you to the moon.

Me: And back?

Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts: