Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Howl 😭

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?