We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
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Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
This story is comedy gold 😂
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”