We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
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reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:
“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”
And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
What even happened today?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.