“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
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Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
His flabber was gasted 😂
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?