Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?

Me to myself

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.

[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.