I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
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“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
A classic…
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Just ordered me some pizza!
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.