We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
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a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
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2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.