We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk