We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…