We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf