Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

Kids have so many food allergies these days.

In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

time for some seasonal decor

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*

Other people: I should put that back where it belongs

Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”