We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?