@LADaddy

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

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@CroweJam

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

@squirrel74wkgn

UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP

*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*

@Michael1979

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

@archerenemy

Referring to her 28-day cycle as her Doomsday Clock is wrong…

I know that now…

@PULPKetchup

First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because…you know…rules.

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

@T_Bonezzz_

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

@sheseemslegit

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

@KalvinMacleod

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

@Tups13

Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?