Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.

Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.