we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.