we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
😂😂
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?