we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Why don’t bikes stand up on their own?
Because they’re two tired
Expected my family to chew me out this morning bc I ate all our cans of Who Hash last night but luckily we were also robbed by the Grinch last night so I blamed him for taking the Who Hash and my stupid Who family totally bought it LET’S GOOOO 🗣️🗣️🗣️
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.