we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
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Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
What
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
How about I get 100% off by already being there
