We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
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Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
When someone says you are so lazy
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.