Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?

“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.

I have mad respect for this strategy 🙌

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Breaking news:

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

ME: my contract says I can work from home

BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?