We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
You Might Also Like
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I can’t stop watching this.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president