Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?

—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Playdough smells better than other philosophers

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

[on my way back to the posting caves]

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.