We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.