We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.