We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
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I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
You wish you had this many chins.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
New comic up. “Ransom”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.