We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
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Me when my alarm goes off
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it