We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
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Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.