We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Nigella has gone too far this time.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Matt Goss
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Morpheus: Are you going to take the red pill or blue pill?
Me: Which one helps with reflux?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman