We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
How does someone manage that 🤨
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear