Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

*showing friend my new place*

Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Need this in my life lol

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

Man I wish I would have thought of “knuckle sandwiches” when everyone was asking what I was bringing ro thanksgiving. It’s too late now 😔

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.

Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.