Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.

Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!

ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

Dishonest mechanic?

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”