We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots