Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

my friends when i can’t do basic math

*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”