Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

me: this water is not hydrating me.

wife: that’s because it’s tequila.

me: that explains why I’m naked

target cashier:

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.