We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
lmfao come on
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.