We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
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You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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We know he can swim but…
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
They’re the worst 😩
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.