We know he can swim but…
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Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Catering service
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?