We know he can swim but…
You Might Also Like
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.