We know he can swim but…
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Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
😜