We know he can swim but…
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My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
respect
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history