Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

Me: Netflix and chill?

Her: sure

Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password

Her:

Me: and don’t forget the condoms!

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.