Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!

Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

i don’t miss calls i stare at them