We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
A Match(.com), but for socks.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
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