We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
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Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
secret recipe
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I can’t deal with men any longer
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?