Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.

My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday

Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

4: I’m hungry.

Me: Want some eggs?

4: No.

Me: Yogurt?

4: No.

Me: Frosted Flakes?

4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??

Me: Would you like some?

4: No.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

Getting married soon just need a spouse

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.