We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
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My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!