“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
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“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.