Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Me: So you want to see other people?

Him: I’m just getting glasses!

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

Get lost in the experience, not the park.

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best