We like the way Dwight thinks
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.