We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Morning all.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
