We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Eat…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.