We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮