We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
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warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
life lately
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.