Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash

Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.