We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
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One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
i now pronounce you bounced.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken