we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.