Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of bread

that’s my pug, you’re dating my pug

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.

Baker: So, two loaves of bread?

Me: yes two please.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Do you sell bloodpants?

“Nope”

Shitpants?

“Nope”

Droolpants?

“Nope”

Sweatpants?

“Right this way…”

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!