We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
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Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
Shoo shoo! 😂
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”