We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.