We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
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[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.